A couple of nights ago I had what I like to describe as, “One of those nights”. We’ve all had them. One of those nights when the lies, doubts, fears, insecurities and loneliness overwhelms our hearts, minds and souls. You know exactly what kind of night I am referring too. The ones where we want to scream, cry, or run to some other kind of distraction that would numb the pain and the dark reality we’re facing. (Yes, it’s okay to admit that as students at a Christian college and seminary we struggle with this…)
Yeah, I had one of those nights. You see I am 25 years old in seminary and single. I have been single for 5 going on 6 years (pretty much since I got to Nyack College). I have gone on dates, talked to guys and gotten to know a few, but all that ever resulted in was heartache. This reality hit me like a ton of bricks, when the desire for a relationship bubbled up out of me, seemingly out of no where. Truth is, I’ve wanted some one to share my life with all along, but I suppressed that longing with the Christian ideologies that: “once you’re content with only the Lord, then you will meet the one” or ” you should only be seeking God, first”… When really, God created me for relationship, longing for one is absolutely normal and being discontent in my situation is also okay.
I was bound by the lie that told me my feelings and desires were wrong. And attached to that lie was the greater lie that the reason why my desire for a relationship wasn’t being satisfied was because I am not pretty enough. That night I stood in my room, staring in the mirror absolutely hating the reflection that looked back at me. All I could see were the flaws that surely have kept a man from wanting to be with me. After spending what felt like hours hating on myself, I laid on my bed and I cried. I cried tears I didn’t know were waiting to be released. Tears of a longing that was laying dormant within me. And tears of pain I didn’t know I possessed.
My heart was aching with the thought that I would never be beautiful enough, or good enough for the man of my dreams. As much as everything within me wanted to crawl out of my skin and find some sort of escape, I laid in my bed and I felt every bit of the pain, I’d carried for so long.
Instead of turning to empty escapes, I turned to friends ( I learned through Nyack, in our darkest moments, community is so important) and a real conversation, with a good friend, helped me to process and recognize the lies, fears and insecurities that held me captive.
I still have much to release, and freedom to find in this area, but one thing is certain: I know that truly I am beautiful! and I am more than good enough! I know that God has promised me a spouse and he is not a man that he should lie. I know that I could trust that he knows what is best for me. I know that I am not alone and that we have all, whether male or female felt this pain, and that true freedom and rest, lies only in the comfort of the father. I know that one day every tear will be wiped from my eyes. I know that I can keep it real about my pain, I don’t need to hide, I don’t need to suppress. God very much cares about EVERY detail of my life.
My friends when you find yourselves caught in the middle of ” One of those Nights”, run, run to God, run to community, and receive the truth: that no matter what the voices in your head tell you;
You are NOT alone… For He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.
You are beautiful… Because He made you beautifully and fearfully.
You are NOT forgotten… His eyes are always on you.
You’re Loved … With an EVERLASTING love.
And while for the night, pain is your reality there is always a sunrise…